Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
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Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?