[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
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me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me