I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
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Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
The absolute effort that went into this omg
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now