[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
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Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.