Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
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<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Isn’t
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔