May you never lose your sense of wonder.
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doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.