Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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Taking phone security to the next level.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.