me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
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This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
#SCOTUS one-star review
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%