This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
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My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.