My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
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Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
You can’t outrun your problems…
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something