Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
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I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
☺️
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*