My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
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Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time