One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
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When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.