If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
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your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it