Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
You Might Also Like
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest