him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
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Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what