A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
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interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
My guardian angel deserves a raise
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.