Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
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I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Favourite diary entry ever
bears
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I feel it
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?