If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
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I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Kermit goes Blue.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants