Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
You Might Also Like
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Something Saturday.
only 11 steps left
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
#CatsOnTwitter
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?