Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
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[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect