TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
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The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
What an awful time to have common sense.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.