My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
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I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Ken is short for chicken
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.