How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
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*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
🏙👨🏼
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.