Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
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My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom