[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
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Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
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Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…