THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
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cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
that wasn’t the question
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…