Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
You Might Also Like
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.