The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
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when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!