Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
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*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.