I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
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My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one