My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
You Might Also Like
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again