dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
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Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Hmm, not sure about this change
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
More like Kate Missington.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.