[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
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It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*