Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
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Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme