Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
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99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept