ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
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Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.