馃槀馃槀
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My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo鈥檚*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn鈥檛 say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can鈥檛 believe he hasn鈥檛 dropped his ice cream.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It鈥檚 like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i鈥檇 kill them again
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.