[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
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> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.