[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
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I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.