Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
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And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is freeā¦
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: āKoolaid Man my cervix.ā
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
āAlexa, negotiate brexit.ā
HER: Hi, Iām your real estate agent.
ME: Itās okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say āestate agentā.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Some of yāall tomorrow ā¦
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Funny because it’s true. š¤£
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I wonāt be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure Iām done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, āthatās typical of you.ā Usually across a dining table.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: IāD RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
āBecoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,ā Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby