My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
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Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?