Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
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Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
A little too much information.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]