wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
You Might Also Like
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice