I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
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If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised