Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
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Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
my mom making me talk to relatives
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.