If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
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A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My kitchen overserved me.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
New tinder profile pic
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account