What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
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public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.