Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
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Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
just witnessed a drug deal
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.