The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
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6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.